Steps toward higher consciousness

The end of the end and the beginning of the beginning (part 3)

2005-12-19T19:24:00.000-05:00

Today's Allyson's last working day of the year. It's her first time having "vacation" time. This is exciting. I don't get any time off until many months from now. The joys of IT work eh?

I wish i could be home with her the next couple of weeks, but i can't be selfish. She needs her time alone, to reflect and to grow. She's been tremendous this year, with all the challenges we've gone through. i never would of been able to go through them at her age. I keep forgetting she's only 21. I feel bad that by being with me she has to go through such intense challenges. Challenges that i feel were meant for me not her. Things i've brought on to myself. Mistakes i'm now feeling the consequences of. Yet she won't leave me, she still loves me despite how much i've put her through. My sweet wife...how perfect you truly are!

2005 was a year of healing, a year of transition, the final climax to an era of illusions i created for myself. I can now see the light at the end of this year long dark painful journey. I've been walking cramped over for a year. A long journey on the path of healing where small steps is the only way to walk. I know i've almost reach the end of the journey, I will be able to walk tall and proud next year. Looking at the endless sky, free of pain, free of restrictions, not looking back. All of my helpers at my side, walking right along with me. That's what i look forward to in the new year.

The end of the end and the beginning of the beginning (part 2)

2005-12-19T18:52:00.000-05:00

My curiousity got the best of me, I couldn't stay in the dark anymore. I had so many questions burning to be answered. I wanted reassurance that my pain would end, that my life would become stable, that i would find satisfaction in my empliyment after all these years. I have realized that i haven't been happy or satisfied in a job since 1996. The year i quit doing any sort of creative work.

So i seeked the services of a psychic reader. Had my very first psychic reading! I was told a few things that i never would of thought could happen to me. Wanna read the transcript?
Here:

glenycehughes: Your Angel is coming through as a female energy, stands to your right, just slightly behind you at all times.
glenycehughes: She is validating that you see/feel her often
glenycehughes: She is very excited with your healing, not only on others, but your own works also, says you are doing very well.
glenycehughes: She is showing you teaching others, and sharing with words.
glenycehughes: She says your words are your strongest tool for helping others, you give many messages, like guided messages from other peoples angels and guides too.
glenycehughes: this is very wonderful she says
glenycehughes: she is showing you looking at expanding your business or your work, like you are looking out at it, at the possibility of it
glenycehughes: does this make sense?
carolineschabot: yes it does, makes a lot of sense...i've been wanting to help people heal for about a year now....this led me towards getting my Reiki Master certificate and ordained minister
carolineschabot: i want to know if it's a good idea to eventually open a reiki, massage therapy, and acupuncture salon?
glenycehughes: yes, but that is a little farther down the road, about 2 years.
glenycehughes: currently are you working from home? she shows more home visits, starting to build it up that way
carolineschabot: yes i do it for friends and anyone who wants to try it
glenycehughes: ok, start doing it as a business, start small and it will build into doing it full time
carolineschabot: do you see me doing this kind of work in my 30's and onward?
glenycehughes: I see it as your full time love in about 2 years, honestly I don't know your age, feels like you are an old soul so if you are 30 in a couple years - yep!
carolineschabot: i want to be doing healing work and counselling so badly
glenycehughes: And that is what your Angel is sharing that you are here to do
glenycehughes: definately around the healing and the speaking/sharing
glenycehughes: not too sure about the RMT though, she didn't give as high/wonderful energy around that, not that it would be bad, just maybe not as fulfilling for you, as the Reiki & counselling??
carolineschabot: so that would explain why i feel so empty and unvalidated with i'm not being of service to people? and why i love it when people come to me crying regardless of the kind of day i've had?
glenycehughes: yes
glenycehughes: now what questions do you have?
carolineschabot: ok, well the first one has already been answered
carolineschabot: I've had digestive trouble for the past 3 years now. Had gallbladder removed on oct 9th 2005. Still have some troubles with my digestion. What is the root cause of it?
glenycehughes: She says holding on to too much, taking things too personally, and taking other people garbage/gunk from them, and putting them onto yourself. This is done energetically...visualize a silver rain shower to release this stuff before you go to bed.
carolineschabot: ok simple enough
carolineschabot: IS it in my best interest to be continuing the IBS hypnotherapy program for the next 3 months?
glenycehughes: Yes in regards to the hypnotherapy program, although the time frame may shift a little bit, maybe it will take a little longer to complete?
glenycehughes: something around the time frame of the program?
carolineschabot: i've had many tests done in the last 3 years...they can't find anything wrong, but my gallbladder gave out in oct
carolineschabot: i feel much better but still have minor bowel problems, they can't find anything wrong with my bowels
carolineschabot: so i've been told it's IBS
glenycehughes: ok, well there will be an answer in the testing, nothing serious but I wouldn't call it IBS. she isn't giving me a sense of what it is, but it isn't serious and will be found within the next 2 months
carolineschabot: ok
glenycehughes: OK, so our time is up, hopefully this helped you out with some stuff.
carolineschabot: yes thank you
glenycehughes: You are welcome, have a super night!

Pretty neat stuff eh?
I couldn't of imagined that my 30's would be spent doing something so completely different than what i am doing now. Never in a million years! After reading those words, it was like they were ironed into my mind. I couldn't get the thought of me doing healing/counselling work full time out of my head. I had found a new surge of energy, drive, reason, etc... then i got a clearer picture of what i should be doing for healing work. I now know that I will end up offering the most unique Reiki service there is. The people who need it most will get the help they deserve, I'm sure of it. Everyone loves my idea, so i know it will be good. I want to do more treatments, over the next couple of years. Attunements too, i want to teach people how to help themselves too. I won't tell you what the exact plan is for the Reiki business, i don't want anyone else beating me to it, sorry! Business is Business!

Oh God, please have your helpers pave a clear path for me to execute what i promised you i would do for you during my time on this earth. Help me help as many as i possibly can...

I know understand that i need to go through this pain in order to heal the pain i have been causing myself for over 20 years. Only once i have crossed that bridge, will i have what it takes be able to help others cross their bridges. I know i have you and your angels to come wash away whatever negative energy no matter how intense it gets. so i may go on and keep doing your work. Thank you for believing in me, not giving up on me during the years i had lost myself, and allowing Allyson into my life when you did. She is the star that led me towards finding my true path. Without her i'd still be lost, every day she teaches me who i am. It's hurting me to soften because the skin has gotten so thick and hard over the years. But she always rubs it better when the pain is too much for me to bare. So do you when no one is there to do it physically...

The end of the end and the beginning of the beginning (part 1)

2005-12-19T18:33:00.000-05:00

I last spoke to you on August 25th, if i recall correctly. I thought I had my so called IBS under control. Believed that all would be better, and i could put everything behind me. I was wrong, my physical pain and digestive problems continued until the big day, Oct 6th, 2005. I was rushed to the hospital after eating salmon and rice for lunch. I wasn't sent home this time, my gallbladder had a stone stuck in the bile duct and i had emergency gallbladder removal. It was a shock to say the least, Allyson handled it extremely well. She was with me every day and kept going to work, I saw strength in her i hadn't seen before. She made me proud. She is the only woman i've been romantically involved with that i can trust to be strong when i need her to be. By being forced to stay home with health issues, I have developed a sense of humility and deeper understanding of myself, others, how we relate to each other and the importance of it all.

Then, in November i began to work at SAIC. I had offers from both CGI and SAIC, but took SAIC because CGI couldn't guarantee me a minimuml length of term. Yet since i began at SAIC, i've been feeling empty, sad, and vulnerable. Its all the same in IT wherever you go, I can't stand it. I'm not challenged there, i don't feel like what i do is of service to anything or anyone. I've been hit with breathing problems, and the flu since i've began working there. Now I feel like there's a sort of witchhunt against me. The behaviour my co-workers and supervisor have towards me compared to the other newly hired rep is extremely different. I know i don't belong there. Allyson is afraid of what is going to happen, this (again) makes me feel inadequate. I thought i was going to be a big capitalist, ambitious, shrewd, corporate woman. For years i believed it. Who knew i'd want to become a stay at home wife who runs a Reiki practice from home. It's funny because Allyson is the one that's become the capitalist, corporate woman, yet everyone thought she'd be a hippy. I'm the one who's become the hippy!

I feel bad being in a position where i need help financially to get through. However, deep down i know this is for the best for both Allyson and I in the long term. I can feel it, I have no fear. I've never had such a strong support system as I do now. I feel i can get through anything thanks to my angels, my guides, my Allyson, our friends, and our families. Thank you.

Now to see what lies ahead....

Finally got my IBS in control, still no job...

2005-08-25T18:09:00.000-04:00

Excellent news!
During my last visit to the ER for dehydration, I was put on Buscopan. It's given me my life back. I'm so glad, but today i found out it's not covered by my wife's drug plan or the provincial drug plan either. This is because it's considered an "over-the-counter" drug! Oh well, it's ok, it's on $19.

I gave Estelle her first Reiki treatment today, she took it well. I can't wait to try and do the attunement next week. Tonight is Ashley's treatment. This is my first day of doing 2 treatments in one day. Go me!

I'm also so proud of us, we're more financially broke now than we've ever been in our lives, yet we have more food in the cupboards and more up to date with bills than we've ever been before! That's with us just living entirely off of Allyson's part-time salary! Unreal!?!?!

I hope i can go back to work soon, it's been so hard to find decent work for me out here in Regina. Since we've moved in May, I haven't really worked. I'm still curious to know what the "big plan" is for me. I know my Reiki has taken off faster than in Ontario. Maybe that has something to do with it. Oh well, i'll just ride this wave until it leads me to where i'm supposed to be.

I'm really looking forward to this weekend. It's Allyson's first weekend off in over 2 weeks! I'm so excited!!! Movies, snuggles, cooking, and baking, Oh My!

just when i was feeling better ... i tried reflexology!

2005-07-28T20:35:00.000-04:00

so i decided to meet Estelle for a free reflexology treatment yesterday instead of today after a long day at work. First of all, now that i think about it, i'm so glad i did! I would of been a real mess tonight if i didn't. first of all, i got the shivers during the treatment, then i couldn't even move, i was light headed, and felt like my body had been bruised. It took me a long time to fall asleep because of the pain and discomfort i felt everywhere.

Then this morning, i just couldn't move a muscle. My feet were so swollen, i could barely hold myself up to walk. My gut began to hurt when i ate again, my back was so sore and my muscles just ached. My arm pits a tender to the touch and so is the right side of my throat. I've been feeling like i'm getting sick all day today, lathargic, eak and tired. Estelle wrote me back saying she felt blockage in my lymph system and i should feel much better in a couple of days. Unfortunately, i don't have a couple more days of not being at work to spare. I've already missed 2 weeks of my 1st month! damn!

On the good side, i got 2 people interested in me, SAIC at the university and CAA. They're for IT positions. I just hope i can deliver! I'm also thinking maybe i should only work part time for now. I just don't know anymore. Why am i going through this? Why do i feel so sad? I'm afraid of making my loved ones mad at me. I;m making Allyson so stressed out by not working and bringing in money. I feel like i'm letting her down right now. She wants to seek out a 2nd job to support us further in case i lose this job. Everyday i can't help but cry and cry. I cried when i saw Phil jr's picture today. I'm sorry i couldn't be there to welcome him into the world. I'm also sorry i was such a mean person to Allyson last year. I've caused her so much hurt and pain, i feel horrible about that. My heart aches when i think about the things i've said to her that i will never be able to erase. I don't want the ability within me to even say such things to her ever again. I don't ever want to cause heartaches like the ones i've caused in the past. i'm so sorry, please please please please forgive me. I know i'm having a hard time forgiving myself and that's part of the anguish i'm feeling. I miss the past, i miss the way my body was, i miss how things were between Allyson and i. I miss my girlfriend damn it! I know i have a wife now, and she's just getting better and better. While i seem to be getting worse! No i know, that's not true, as long as i don't stray away from certain foods and have a fairly strict regiment when it comes to the foods i eat. I will be fine, i know. I'm still in great health, i'm just more sensitive that's all. Why did it start creeping up the last couple of years? that i don't know.

Like i've said to Allyson this morning, looking back at how all this began. It looks like the only way i was able to learn more about the real me. My true self, what i really want, what matters to the real Caro. Was by taking everything i thought meant something to me away. My big job, my big savings, my big cable, my big phone, etc.... Then i began dicovering the peace that i had muffled within me. Now if i take another IT job again, will it be an attempt to muffle that peace once again? Will i be even more miserable than i am now doing telemarketing at staples? What if i do like Allyson said and only work part time. If i make 1200 and she makes 1200, we're more than fine here in Regina. Plus she's going to be full time eventually at CIBC, she's not leaving there for years to come. I'm almost positive of that. This is her time to shine, i see that now. Maybe i must go through this because it really is time for me to lose all power i once had. Maybe the reason why this is so hard on me has to do with the power shift that i'm seeing happen. What if Allyson doesn't want to be the one in power right now? What if she finds all this too much to handle? I wouldn't want to cause her to break down trying to support us during this temporary set back. I won't be a stay at home person, that i can gurantee you. I can't stand condesending jobs either, so i know i will find something eventually. It's just difficult right now. Especially waking up at 5:30am every day. You get home at 4pm then you have to be in bed by 8:30-9pm. Allyson works 'tll then, she comes home and of course i want to talk to her and hold her. So i don't get to sleep 'till 10pm or so. I end up with not enough sleep all week, then weekends so much goes on in Regina. We end up spending time together, but not private time. Then some other weekends she works on saturdays. Maybe i'm just very lonely, it's hard being one's best friend. Alone with one's thoughts everyday. Again, maybe that's why all this is happening. I'm being forced to DEAL with shit i thought i dealt with. Maybe i need to get knocked down for a bit to heal. Maybe i haven't listen for too long and now "you know who" is making sure i finally do what i'm supposed to do. Or live the way i'm supposed to live. How else would i have been led to move out to Regina? With everything working out so perfectly when we got here? It had to be that i know. Then my gut problems coming on so strong just after getting here. Was that also divine? Now that i know my body better, i should just raise my head and look forward, keep dreaming Caro. Don't ever stop dreaming Caro. Your dreams have changed many times over the years, but i know you're getting closer to finding the right dream for you. I know i'm getting closer because there wouldn't be this much turmoil within me if it weren't.

Damn it! I jsut want to be able to find a job i'm good at, that gives me the satisfaction of knowing taht i've been of service to someone, and that i can hold down that job! No you're right, what i really want is to work from home, be a stay at home wife of Allyson's. Be trusted to keep our little home in order while Allyson is a career woman. Can this happen now? I'm not so sure it's a good idea to put that much pressure on her and i right now? Will it happen eventually? I hope so. Can it happen here? Definately! I know see why Regina was the perfect place for my (deepest, truest) dreams to come true. We can have our little home for 1/4 the price we would in Ontario while the pay here is the same as in Ontario! So we can achieve our dream with less work here! That has to be why we had to move here. The guides knew my health would become more fragile, yet they still wanted me to achieve my dreams. So the location was chosen for us to do that. Here we are! Now God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference!

i'm down for the count...again!

2005-07-26T18:44:00.000-04:00

Damn it! Just when i was feeling good physically, and i had returned to work. I had to go down again. why are so many physical problems come down on me and keeping me from working lately? You see, i've been doing good with the whole IBS thing, then yesterday at work, i wanted a morning snack so i went down to the cafeteria and asked if they had any yogourt. They got some from the back, they only had the astro fat free kind. I had the strawberry one, well, within 30 mins my mouth and throat where extremely dry. then 2 hours later i began having extreme gas pains in the middle of my shoulder blades, i could hardly breathe. I rushed home afraid it wouldn't go away, i took an enzyme on the way and i felt better by the time i got home. i couldn't help but begin to cry in Allyson's arms. I stayed home for a bit, drove her to work, then decided to work the last 40mins of my shift. During which time i was told not to ever try to fix my computer myself! go figure!!!

Then last night, extreme intestinal pains began, i knew this was from the yogourt moving it's way out of my system. I knew there was nothing we could do, the pain of the cramps and gas was so strong this time, i wanted it to end immediately. I was stupid and asked Allyson to get me some Pariet ($50) when i knew i shouldn't take it, it makes things worse long term. But it did reduce my bloating enough to get me to sleep (gravol helped that to!). Allyson didn't get to bed 'till 3am again last night. She wants to get a second job now, in case i lose this one from my frequent absenteeism. I went to see my family doctor again today, he wrote me yet another note. HE also agreed about how bad "fake" yogourt is, and how aspartame and sorbitol can cause really bad IBS attacks. At least this time i know there's nothing doctors or the ER can do for me. I confess, i did go to the ER again today, they couldn't give me a room, so i waited for a good hour or so. Then the pain went away on its own, i should of known that. Even the GI specialist told me the same thing. There's no medication they can give anyone to stop the cramping or girgling. Just treat the symptoms of diarrhea (immodium) and gastrolyte and phazyme for gas. Nothing more. Now i know i can't eat anything processed AT ALL! only all natural stuff, any sort of additive knocks my system down. I've become so much more sensitive to foods. I'm still getting used to this new way of life.

Why is it that times like these, in times of illness, i contemplate my life and where it's going?
hmmmm, i wish you could smell what i just smelled. I have the window open and it just rained outside, the wind is blowing the smell of wet trees into the aprtment. the smell of fall, the smell of new beginnings aproaching. Do people get afflicted with illness crisises as a way to be forced to stop for a while to contemplate what they really want out of their lives? and make decisions they otherwise wouldn't make? I remember the story the hairdresser told me when she was cutting my hair for the interview for the job i'm at now (staples). She told me she had gotten the job, and right on the day she was to start, she got sick with an pneumonia i think. They were understanding, and then when she got better and was ready to go in to work. She was offered a job as a hairdresse which is exactly what she wanted anyway.

I now know i don't feel "at home" here in this apartment. Allyson is burning the candle at both ends trying to be the strong one right now. She's gonna make herself sick too if she doesn't take better care of herself physically. I'm sad that she doesn't eat the home cooked meals i make her, and she stays up snacking endlessly on bad-for-u foods. Thank god we both don't do that! I'm also afraid that if we do have a child, this will set a bad to him/her to see their mommy staying up late and not eating the home cooked foods they eat when she's upset. I know this is a little much to think about right now, but it's true. Yes, i want to see Allyson continue to have a right to be afraid and upset, but i'd like to see her be able to say to herself: "alright, i've got to have a good night sleep so i can get the things i want to do done before work tomorrow, i'm needed here, so i have ot be in good shape. staying up late and eating foods that i know aren't good for me won't accomplish that!" or something of the sort. I just hate seeing her not love herself, i want her to stop loving me so much and start putting some of that love and care into herself. she's no good to anyone (including herself) if she keeps this up. She's promised me she'll stop, but i know it's hard for her. So please God, can you please help her by giving her what she needs to treat herself better? For me? Thank you.

I know the day where we have our loving little home is drawing near, i can smell it in the air. I don't know what will be happen next, but i do know it will be big and will probably come in the next month or so. I know i really want Allyson to be full-time at CIBC, so many people are either leaving or requesting less hours coming september, i can't see her not getting full-time. If she's full-time we could live entirely off her income, but i know we shouldn't. We need to save and pay off debts to have our dream of a home. I know we can't do it alone, we need your divine help (you know how you all are). You've made tremendous things happen, i know it seems like all i do is ask for stuff lately, but i just know this is something bigger than myself and allyson. We need intervention and guidance. I promise i'll do my best to listen.

I do have to tell you one more thing, my day wouldn't be complete if i didn't. THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ALLYSON INTO MY LIFE!

why does cleansing have to hurt?

2005-07-25T19:43:00.000-04:00

Judy (the psychic) told me this year would be one of "decluttering" my life, in every sense of the word. Well now i'm starting to think that my constant melancoly is partly caused by this cleansing period. I should of realized it sooner since it's happened to me before. I'm feeling morose, sad yet have nothing to be sad about. Actually it's not a sadness as in an empty depressive pit of despair people feel. It's a sense of missing the past, wanting things to go back to the way they were yet having a deep desire for things to be different and to find my "new groove", being able to answer "where do i fit in here in Regina?"

Everything has come down on me since moving here. Well, it's mainly been my health issues, and not being able to find satisfying work. I thought i had it when i started at Staples. I was going to have a challenging customer service position as an account manager, my own extension, cubicle, early shifts, no weekends, salaried, pension, benefits, and commission. WOW! i thought i was gonna stay there for good. Well, none of it felt too good since day one. I feel like i've been lied to. It's a bloody telemarketing job, you're treated like children (can't eat at your desk, no surfing the web, can't receive calls on your phone, can't do credits, can't give returns, don't handle credit, etc....) this job sets me back further than i was 7 years ago. Plus i'm not challenged and that's the most depressing aspect of it. I know, i know, you're right! I asked for this, i totally did. I kept saying i wanted to go back to customer service and sales, dealing with more upbeat people, doing easy work. Well now i've learned my lesson, i'm miserable, i don't feel like i've accomplished anything during the day, i don't care about the products, and i feel like i'm just disturbing people all day long....wait a minute....I AM DISTURBING PEOPLE ALL DAY LONG! I need to fell like i'm of service to people and i can't fell good about my work until i do that. there now i know it's true.

I'm also bummed out about where my life is going. the rails are there but they're new and i'm not used to them, i don't know where they're taking me. Then i start to miss the way the old rails felt. sometimes (like today) i find myself looking in the back window, catching glimpses of a moment in time while i was on those old rails. I had some good times along those rails, met great people too. Everytime i look out that back window along those old tracks fading into the horizon. I can't help but feel my heart ache because it knows it's time to let go of those times on those tracks. I'm on new tracks now and i even have someone else driving the train, and she's incredible. We met on those old tracks you know? See why it's hard to let go of what was said and done on those damn tracks? Oh god, how long does it take to clean out seven years of emotional residue? Yeah, you're right, certainly not only 3 months! I know, last time i moved away and changed my life i ended up crying every darn day for months, i'm doing much better now :-)

Maybe if i wrote a farewell letter to Ontario?
Hmmm, how would it go?

To Spencer Smith Park in Burlington where i've had some of the most wonderful walks of my life....i miss you...goodbye

To Lakeshore Rd....where i've had the pleasure of seeing some of the most beautiful houses, the most romantic drives, see some of the best yachts, eat the best food (thank you Lick's), and shop at the cutest little shops while my future wife drank her lattés (thank you starbucks)...i miss you...goodbye

To Fortino's on plains rd...i've had the best grocery shopping experiences of my life (so far) thanks to you. No other place will ever give me what you did...i miss you...goodbye

To Toronto, my love-hate relationship for you is well known and documented, yet when i think of you now, i just want to see you again. I've had the most culturally enlighting experiences of my life thanks to you, your plays, your food, your museums, art galleries, exhibitions, shops, theatres....i miss you...and your hectic life....goodbye

To Ottawa, our time together was brief and happened a long time ago,

*pause* *the love of my life just called*

but you also showed me some of the world's most beautiful architecture and art....i miss you...goodbye.

To Hamilton, i first visited you to go to highschool, then resumed my visits when i began dating, and finally ended up having my first apartment where you are. You've helped me by showing me just how "diverse" people can be....thank you...i miss you too...goodbye

To Weil's Bakery of Westdale, thank you for the most romantic bakery experiences i've experienced to date...i miss you...goodbye

To TCBY in westdale, thank you for having given my girl and i much needed time to gaze into each other's eyes...i miss you...goodbye

To the Pita pit in westdale, you've kept the love of my life well fed, thank you...i miss you...goodbye.

To Westdale library, you've kept us entertained for free during financial hardship, thanks to you we still have our sanity...thank you...i miss you...goodbye.

To showcase in limeridge mall, you've given my girl, my love, my wife, the stepping stone she needed, you've nurtured her leadership skills so i may now watch them bloom. I've had many nights of driving up to see you (while listening to John Tesh radio show), during raining nights, snowy nights, quiet nights, and lonely nights. i miss you...goodbye.

To Hamilton Airport, i didn't even think i'd ever meet you, but on june 3rd 2004 at 12:45pm you gave me the best present i've ever had and will ever have, my life long partner, my lover, my teacher, my equal, my wife! i'm forever in debt to you....i miss you ...goodbye.

To the house in Caledonia, you sheltered me during a most difficult breakup, you gave me my first romantic getaway with my wife, you gave me great memories of summer, you hosted my brother's baby shower, you gave my mother a husband, and a new life. you're wonderful... i miss you...goodbye.

To Northshore Blvd at night in December, the warmth of your houses, the twinkling of your lights, the smell of cold frost in the air, because of you, everytime i think of christmas i think of you and you never dissapoint. It saddens me to know that i won't see you this christmas...i miss you...goodbye.

I now look outside my apartment window, and see a divine evening, the air is fresh, the sun is bright, the trees are swaying along to the whispers of the wind. I think about how great things will be soon. Allyson working full-time at a career job she loves, living in a house, having friends over for dinner parties. Yet, i can't help but have longing for the past at the same time. I've been trapped in this time-warp since i got here. I feel like crying almost every day that i'm alone. Allyson is the strong one here, i'm not anymore. Everything is forcing to stay put and just get over everything, yet we need money, i need to be working and be strong. It's just not happening, and i'm scaring Allyson because of it.

I love her so much, some people would say it's sick or that i'm sick for loving her as much as i do. I know perhaps i'm addicted to my wife, but what a wonderful addiction! I miss her so much every night that she's at work, it's hard being all alone without her and going to bed without feeling her soft hands wrapped around my body. Especially when you day dream of a life where you both come home from work and make dinner, sit down, eat and talk about your day, take a bath, and crawl into our queen size bed, turn off the lights and read our books with our bedside lamps turned on, searching for each other's feet under the covers, then setting our books down, turning our lamps off, reaching for each other's bodies, holding on tightly while inhaling the heat of our bodies, then drift off the sleep.

will that day come? how much longer must i feel this emptiness? what keeps me going are my dreams of the future. i'm living in the future, and will keep living in the future. Thinking from the end is the only way to get through these times.

My revelation was close, but no quite...

2005-07-18T16:55:00.000-04:00

So much has happened ...again! It seems like deja vu because i'm always saying so much has changed. I can't help it though, since i've moved to Regina everything does keep changing so much and so fast.

I've spent most of last week at Regina General Hospital, again! This time the ER doctor admitted me for 3 days. I had more blood work done, and the GI doctor that saw me told me he doesn't believe i'm gluten intolerant or lactose intolerant. He wanted to enduce a full 24 hr bowel cleansing (where you drink 4L of this nasty liquid) and wanted to perform a colonoscopy. I refused because of the risks involved. They told me i have IBS there's nothing i can do and tough it out. I left the hospital weak, shaky, over steroided, and in despair. He was told not to go back to work for a few days.

Then on thursday morning, I saw that Allyson was quite stressed about everything. We talked and that's when she told me she just wants to marry me, how about this weekend? I said sure!

So we called the commissioner, she would do it on sunday july 17th (my birthday) and we got the marriage license on friday, i moved my psychic reading to friday at 4pm instead of saturday.
*the psychic reading*
I couldn't believe how good i felt after the reading. Judy was fabulous! I asked her to focus on my health troubles. She read my aura, here's a quick rundown of what i got from the reading:

* I must eat read meat 2-3 times per week (there's an enzyme in it my body is missing)
* I must eat chicken 2-3 times a week
* Start eating yogourt again
* No more juices
* Only Silk Soy milk
* no radishes
* lettuces, carrotts, cauliflower, brocoli
* Berries for fruits, no more oranges, magoes
* Body is too acidic
* There is no reflux (no GERD, must go off Pariet)
* Take digestive enzymes and Acidophilus (probiotic kind that must be refrigerated)
* no white rice, no white bread, no white pasta, NO BAGELS
* NO CHEESE
* No spices, vinegrettes
* rye, whole wheat, basmati, jasmine, all OK
* snack on organice pure chocolate bars
* drink ONLY RED WINE, not dry, not sweet, PH 2.9-3, always with food, drink lots of water while drinking the red wine, no more than 4 ounces!!!!

Yeah, i know, after hearing that, i was like uh? She was shocked about the red wine thing too. She said she never was told to tell anyone to drink alcohol to feel better. I've started doing what she said, slowly. I already feel much better.

I felt better enough to get married yesterday! After almost backing out of the whole thing for being so sad and afraid i'm making a mistake because my mother couldn't be there from the short notice. I was afraid i'd regret having the wedding so soon because of denying myself and my mom the joy of being at the wedding.

Allyson and I had a horrible sleepless night saturday because of it, I called my mother the morning of the wedding to tell her. She talked me out of it, explaining it's the "cold feet" everyone talks about. I went through it anyway, and we had a blast! I felt like a million dollars yesterday. We got wonderful wedding presents, more than i ever imagined!

Last time we spoke, I was Caroline Chabot a 27 year old woman looking to know herself better, and in search of the recipe to feeling better. Today, I have become Mrs. Caroline Sagin-Chabot, a 28 year old married woman who now knows herself better, and knows what will make her feel better. Thanks to all of you heavenly helpers!

My Revelation, an end to my health troubles?

2005-06-29T20:26:00.000-04:00

I'm so excited about what came to me this evening, I had to talk to you about it immediately.
First of all, I have to say that i had the worst case of diarrhea ever yesterday. I ended up shaky with a small fever by 8:30pm. Allyson rushed me to the ER as soon as she came home. Thank god i did everything right (doubled up on my pills, drank gastrolyte, etc...) or else we would of spent the whole night there. Thank god, nothing was wrong with me. I was given immodium (that stuff works wonders!) and sent home around 12:30am. not bad only 3 hours in the ER. Allyson was able to get a full night sleep, i'm thankful for that. These episodes take so much out of her. I don't think about myself when i'm lying there with IVs going through me. I'm worried about poor little her having to go through such a thing, seems like that's all she's done this past year. I promise it will stop. I'm turning 28 in 2 weeks and i don't want my 28th year of life to be like my 27th. I've been plaged with illness, and broken bones, and thyroid problems, etc... all in 1 year. crazy...

So now...about my revelation. Come closer so you can hear me. That's better. Well, it came to me like a bolt of lightning in my head. All of a sudden i felt like if i "just knew" what had to be done for my digestion troubles to be over. Oh, by the way, i forgot to tell you that i went to see my family doctor today. I explained to him that i found it unacceptable tjat i'm being plaged by indegestion, constipation and diarrhea so bad that i must go to the ER evertime. I'm missing work and it's not a way to live. He was supportive of me taking enzymes and acidophilus. He sent me for blood work and stool samples (ewwwww) to check for levels of bad bacteria. He doesn't want me on pariet either. I'm glad.

Ok, i know, i did it again. I went off track, sorry. So where was i? Oh yeas, my revelation. Well only time will tell if this is true, but sources from beyond have already confirmed my revelation to me. The revelation was that i've been taking the wrong kind of digestive enzymes. My digestion problems re-surfaced when i went off the mega-enzymes from sangsters. Those enzymes were what are called "full spectrum" enzymes. They focus on digesting protein at all PH levels. The 2 other types of enzymes i've been buying don't. My gas, bloating, indigestion, and constipation have been because of partially digested protein floating around going putrid in my system. Protein is the only thing that does this. It makes sense because everytime i've had a bad episode of gas since taking enzymes has been after a high protein meal. When i only eat carbs of soup i wouldn't get a bad gas attack, and everytime i'd get a bad gas attack the only thing that would make it go away would be to take another enzymes pill. Hence why my revelation must be truth!

So after this came to me, i looked at the clock, saw that i still had time. Excited about my new finding, i rushed to old fashioned foods. Found a "full spectrum" digestive enzyme for only $9 and some acidophilus then went home. I opened the bottle nad found the seal to be broekn. So i rushed out again. Thinking i really need that kind of enzyme and i won't wait 'till tomorrow afternoon. I exchanged it, went back home and took 1 tablet. Then took a shower. My stomach had been hurting since 4:30pm when i have my pasta and tuna. Eventhough i had taken 2 enzyme tablets with that meal. It's now been about 20 mins since i took the "full spectrum" enzyme and my stomach pain is gone. completely. I feel energized and good to go.

So now i'll only be taking "full spectrum" enzymes. I've learned my lesson, I shouldn't experiment so much. I felt great on those in the first place, i should of stuck to them. Also, i am waiting to find out the blood work results. I will beat this thing. I want to be healthy and regain my stamina so i may start to excersise again. I want to look good and feel good for myself and for Allyson on our wedding day. With my hepers and guides i know i will. Allyson just called me from work. I had to tell her about my revelation. She's so happy for me, I think i found it. The answer was in me this whole time. Why did i put myself and my mos precious love through all this? We humans can me so stubborn and ignorant sometimes....

living in Regina as made me see the WHOLE truth about myself (part2)

2005-06-28T17:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry for not writing sooner. So many things have happened since i've last written to you. First and foremost, however, i need to say this...I love Allyson now, more than i've ever loved anyone in my life. I think about her constantly, all my decisions are now made with her in mind. Our love has grown leaps and bounds since i last wrote to you. I can't see myself without her, she's so precious, we've decided to move the wedding date up. We're getting married on Oct 29th 2005! Only 4 months, i'm so excited i can't contain myself sometimes. We will be Mrs and Mrs Chabot-Sagin. Doesn't that have a great ring to it? I think it does...

Now, getting back to my last post. I wrote that after an argument with allyson about the clubbing thing. Since then, we haven't faught about that and don't think we ever will again. We talked (a lot) and she saw things my way and i saw things her way. We compromised, and i'm glad to report that i've gone to the bar with her once since then. We played pool and were both home by 10:30pm that saturday. I enjoyed her company and so did she, without loud music or dizzying music.

Unfortunately, though, i've been to the ER twice since i last posted. The 1st time had to do with the fact that the iridologist (Gail from Vic square) told me to take just a tblsp of aloe vera juice to get my bowels moving. Yeah well i went into dehydration and shock. Didn't know why at the time. Then 1 month later i took 1/2 a teaspoon and ended up in the hospital the next day for the same thing. Allyson was working, I couldn't get a hold of her for 5 hours, i was alone and shaking most of the time. Sure enough, i found out that Aloe Vera juice is toxic with Decadron and Florinef, nice eh? I'm not taking that stuff again. Oh and i've also discovered that i'm gluten intolerant. wheat, oats, barley, and lactose make me bloaty and gasy, nice eh?

On the health side of things, i've been having some difficulties regulating my digestion. Some days i get really bad gas between my shoulder blades ( i found that taking an extra enzyme pill works) and i've been feeling bloated every week. I've just recently tried flax powder in my smoothies. Well after 3 days now, i woke up gagging with nausea this morning, and i've had diarrhea all day. Over 7 movements! i stayed home today. I hope i can keep this job.

Oh yeah, by the way, Allyson found a great job! she's got herself her very first career job. Outbound personal banking representative. She's in her 4th week of training now. I'm so happy for her. She's going to have stock option plan, medical benefits, etc.. but she's only part-time evenings for now, she'll go up to full-time within the year i'm sure. As for myself, well i was offered a job really quickly. I've decided to go back to customer service and sales and i'm now an Inside Account Manager for Staples Business Depot's Telesales department. They started me at 35,000 /yr salaried + commissions on the accounts i have. It's a nice atmosphere, i've been there 1 week now, this is my 2nd week. It sucks i had to take a day off already. I hope i don't end up having too many absences due to my digestive problems this year. My 27th year has been nothing but in/out of hospitals. Crazy!

Allyson and i have so many goals for our future together, i don't want to let her down. The job isn't hard at all, it's just talking that's all. the shifts are brutal though. 7-3:30pm. They want to change it to 6:30-3pm. I don't get to see Allyson anymore as we work completely opposite shifts. But we're making it work, our weekends are precious now. It's hard for her too, i'm not there to pick her up anymore, and i'm not home cleaning and cooking everyday anymore. I'd love to do that one day. Perhaps when we have a rental property as side income or something.

Today, i've managed to fix my health issue without going to the hospital (yay for me!) who knew flax powder was so powerful? I bought this stuff called gastrolyte and it worked wonders, i felt stronger within minutes. Same stuff as hospitals use in an IV. Great for CAH too!

So, who knew eh? That within 2 months Allyson and i would have a bigger apartment, new furniture (oh yeah, we bought a wonderful 3 seat couch 2 days ago!) new (more) appliances, better jobs and doubled our household income! See people, you have to take risks in life, don't be afraid, say: "what the fuck" and put all your faith in the big guy...you know who i'm talking about. It works, we're living proof. So is my mother, so is everyone who's done it and talked about it. I'm saying this to you because i want you to be just as happy as i am. happier even!

As i write this, i just had my first bite of the noodles and sauce i made for myself. My gosh is Allyson an amazing cook. She made what is by far the best vegetable spaghetti sauce in the world. She should sell it!

So much as happened to us in the last few weeks, let alone this past year. I wonder what's in store for us going forward. Could it be true? an end to our financial worries, my credit history haunting me, being able to afford to save? and we're not even 30 yet? We've both seen and lived through so much, i wonder what else i have to do during this mission. Deep inside me i know i won't be at my current job very long, my desire to help others is too strong. I'm still blind to the signs pointing me in the right direction i think. I'm sure my guides have been throwing them at me left right and centre these past few months, but i'm daft sometimes. sorry :-(

That's why now that my 28th birthday is fast approaching, and i plan to begin a new life as Mrs Chabot-Sagin. I've decided the best present i could have this year is one of knowledge. I feel ready to know more about myself and what i'm here to do. I want a real psychic reading for my birthday. Not tarot or palmistry, but psychic. We found a lady that has the gift of clairvoyance. I will call her. Also, the new harry potter book is out the week of my birthday, and some quality time with my future wife would be a delightful combination.

On that note, I'd like to thank you for listening to me today, i really needed to talk to someone. It gets lonely here sometimes, i still think about Ontario once in a while, but i know my place isn't there anymore. Everything is too perfect here for it not to be on the right path. With that being said, i want to go write a plan of the words i will vow to my future wife so she may treasure them forever. Good night

Living in Regina has made me see the WHOLE truth about myself, part 1

2005-05-15T08:54:00.000-04:00

So after getting laid off on March 1st, i decided to just sell everything and move to Regina with Allyson, thinking i would be happier. So far it's been 15 days since i moved here, we have a wonderful little 2 bedroom apt, all of allyson's old furniture and housewares are here, and her mother bought us a new 27" TV! I've also found an iridologist who was able to literally "cure" my acid reflux and bloating. I've been feeling my strength and health come back this week, i'm so happy. Yet there's still the issue of me not liking the fact that Allyson is still young and into the whole clubbing and going to concert at non-human hours (like most of these events occur at). Even if it wasn't because of her age, I came to realize just how much it means to me to have a relationship with another woman who has the same disregard for going out dancing, hanging out at "the bar" with fellow queers, and comsuming alcohol. All those activity seem senseless to me now. I've done it twice as more as she has, she doesn't seem to click into that when i tell her. Maybe she does and maybe she really is one of those women who will love "going to the bar" until she's in her 40's! I really do believe it's a phase, like clubbing (sorry, dancing at night and seeing people "at the bar") is for many people. Thousands of people end up growing out of finding these activities entertaining and seek activities closer to home. Very few end up staying around the club scene into their 30's and the ones that do have their reasons this i know.

I thought it would be easy for me to just "let it slide" let her live her life and i'll watch from the sidelines until her lifestyle habits more closely resemble my own (5years or so). But of course it's been brutal for me, i do end up feeling so hurt and disapointed every time. Reminded how much of a clash the lifestyle aspect of our relationship truly is. She screams at me in agony, tears flowing down her face "You knew this about me when you met me!". She's right, i did, yet a part of me wanted so much change in my life after my relationship of 5 years, that i wanted to give the concerts/clubs once a month kind of life a try again. I was yearning for livelyness, action, fun. I had been closed up for over 5 years, I myself started to want to go out dancing, but i later saw that the only reason i began thinking about going to clubs in Hamilton. Was to meet someone else, a cry to get out of my non-existant relationship. Then Allyson came back into my life. There she was, changed into this new woman. Articulate, funny, intellectual, sincere, calm, and quiet. She was so different, I wanted a taste of what life would be like with a woman as lively as her.

We're now approaching our 1 year anniversary of living together. Things have been wonderful between us, and i've grown so much thanks to her. I've experienced flying, driving across the country (a good memory of it this time!), but i've also grown to realize one big core truth about myself. The vision of my relationship with a woman doesn't include nights at home doing nothing on a saturday while she's going out partying. It's just not what i had in mind you know?
Am i so bad for wanting a woman who sees this my way? Has the same disregard for nightly activities as i do? Doesn't see going out dancing as an entertaining activity? I'm not controlling, really! I want us to have different interests, different friends (well i don't care much for friends) different careers, different tastes in music, movies, food, etc... Taking time away from each other for each other, but why can't it be during the days on the weekends. Example: "I feel like going ______. Oh ok, I don't feel like it, I'll stay here or maybe go ______ later. You have fun, i love you." Kind of thing, then when it's night you come back home, because you know you have responsabilities the next day. Like work, a child, and of course less energy as you get older! That's the truth! and it's not just me that's feelin' it, most of all my friends are now feelin' it too, they're all between 28-33. It seems like almost everyday since Allyson and I have been together. I've been somehow someway reminded of how much less active than a 21 year old i really am, and how my priorities and lifestyle choices have changed. It hurts of course, because I know she's toning it down out of fear that i'll let her go. But if i let her go, I have a feeling it will be for the better. I love her so much, so much so, that i want to set aside my "wants" so that she can fully experience her "wants". I know you say that it's so small and stupid our so called "problem". You don't like going out dancing and to folk concerts, open mikes, live poetry readings, etc... and she does. Boo hoo, big f***ing deal, right?

True, but i've found that it's not that easy for me to "deal" with. It's a whole lifestyle difference, a dissimilarity that makes me feel like i'm sitting on a bench waiting for her to catch up to where i am now before i continue to do my own evolving. I can't live like that, it's not fair to her or myself. I've been kidding myself with this whole aspect of the relationship. Sure we have the same financial goals, the same personal life goals (child, etc...) but i'm ready for them right now, and she knows she won't be 'till about 7 years or so. I can't make her feel like she has to "give up" her 20's to be "good enough" for me. I want her to see that it's not about being good enough, it's about differences and loving those differences enough to kindly tell that person "thank you", without you i wouldn't of been able to learn ____ about myself. For that i will always love you, and let them go to live a happier fuller life than if you would of both stayed together. It hurts like hell at first because they haven't done anything to hurt you, they're perfect, just different, and you hate that, yet you love it. You also hate yourself for not being able to be strong enough to look past these differences, and find that inner voice of reason that knows you should respect, accept, and let be. Yet you just can't....Do that make me weak?

If i go, leave quietly in the night, will i regret it? Will she let herself transform the love she once had for me into hatred? Will she resent me for the choices i've made? or worse...will i resent myself? I've had 10 relationships now, why is it so hard? and why is it that every single Pisces i've been with, we've ended up splitting because "i don't go out"? Can someone please tell me that? I thought Pisces women were the "perfect" fit to us Cancers. Except for the whole partying thing. Plus my health and older age don't help i suppose.

Oh God, what should i do? I've actually thought of not repairing the car, selling it for 1500 or so (for parts) paying off the buy out and paying for a ticket back to Ontario. Because eventhough i'd like to stay here, my love life would be non existent here in Regina. Everyone knows Allyson, everyone knows i was with Allyson, and i'm sure everyone would know why i left Allyson. I'd be the asshole, the jerk, the bitch, it would be the lesbian wall of defense around Allyson 24/7 and I wouldn't be able to find anyone else (if that's what i wanted to do) yet she'd have much sympathy. It's always how it turns out in the "gay community".

Look i'm jsut talking out loud, alright? I'm venting, i don't know if i'm going to do any of the above things ok. I sure as hell know i don't want counseling, no one has a clue of how i see the world due to the experience i've lived through in my life. No one except god, and my spiritual helpers. I will only listen to them and the signs they give me. Besides, we're gay, and gay people have different relationship issues as straight people. Not many straight people would have a difference in nightly lifestyle rituals because of "the bar". Why does gay community shit always involve clubbing so much? I wonder if she would of still enjoyed going out dancing as much as she does if she wouldn't of started going to the bar and started interacting with other gay people at different venues instead?

Oh well, we'll never know. So it still looks like i "have much about myself to figure out" and "many things are wrong with me still" as Allyson put it last night. I try to be a good person, i like to think i am, i also try to find the "why" in all aspects of my behaviour. Maybe more than most people. Does that make me so bad? God i hate being so "different". Why do i always put myself in situation that remind me of how "different" i am? Have you noticed that?

Maybe mom was right when she told me that i should be with an older woman (between 35-40). That it would be the only way i'd find someone who would have similar lifestyle habits and would also be at a similar career level. I remember telling her i wouldn't out of fear that i'd end up being the one who gets spoken to in a condesending "when i was your age" tone.

On that note, my eyes are really wet right now, and i feel like i swallowed a ping pong ball. So i'm going to go and reflect on all this (why is the human condition so drawn to emotional torture?) while looking at how beautiful Allyson sleeping soundlyin our bed. The sunlight caressing her soft skin.

Learning to welcome abundance

2005-04-01T19:18:00.000-05:00

Much has happened since i've last written. After reflecting upon the events of the 2nd half of march. I can say that i "feel" i'm on the right path. My affairs with HRDC and Teksystems have been sorted out. I've created a moving sale poster, Allyson printed it, and I posted it on Monday March 28th. Just to receive an overwhelming response! All my furniture sold in 1 day! A lovely gentleman named Micheal came from Europe and needed all new furniture, what timing!

It still humbles me how our guides and angels work so hard (with our creator's love) to inject the right people at the right times in our lives so we can reach our life purpose more easily. If everyone stopped for just 1 minute to ponder this. To feel how much they're loved, how much of an important piece of the great puzzle they really are. There would be so much more love, compassion, and respect on this planet. The human race would finally "get it". If everyone could let themselves the gift of feeling what I felt the first day i learned how much love "everyone" has even when most times i feel i don't deserve it. Every time i see signs of this love around me. Reminds me of how much support I have along this journey. How can anyone not have tears in their eyes after seeing such truth?

So today is April 1st, a new month, the end of an old life and the beginning of a new one. I wished it with all my heart, I planned it with all my might, I could see it, almost touch it, now i can't stop it. Ahhhhh, Abundance, i have wished for you for so long. I didn't know how to find you. I finally believe, that's why i open my arms and welcome you.

Pour, pour, pour. Pour yourself into me...

I lost my job...i'm leaving everything (part 2)

2005-03-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

I didn't get my ROE 'till March 10th! (the twits wrote the wrong postal code) plus they made a mistake and didn't pay me vacation pay. I got it all sorted and filed for EI on March 14th. Now for the dreaded 28 wait. I have no money, got another eviction threat, but hey....i got highspeed internet installed and spliced it to get free cable TV! Yes, yes i know....why didn't i do this sooner? Ah, well...

Actually, i don't care about anything in southern ontario anymore. It too fast, too loud, too angry, too guilty, too greedy, too devious, too consumeristic. Suburbs, SUVs, pets, kids, power centres, megaplexes, malls, malls, malls, cellphones, ringtones, latest fashions...like "Oh my gawd!"

The heart beat of the GTA is racing, it's getting ill, and will have a heart attack soon. I don't want to be here when it does.

That's why i know this chapter needs to end here and the next will begin in Regina. That's right, I'm broke, i can't afford to move my stuff, so i'm selling everything i own, and starting fresh at 27! The thought of it puts a lump in my throat, but give me a newfound excitement. So what if i just end up doing the same job, but over there before starting a Reiki practice?

Even if i do the same, it won't be the same. Because the pace and the people will be different.

*My mother just called me*

Thank god! She gave me some money, and we discussed the rent i owe. Everything will be ok, what's important right now is food, medication, and the last car payment to be made, yay! Once i'll be in Regina this will be much easier, i can feel it.

So there you have it my friends. Cleaning one's life, isn't an easy task. I'm now 27 and this is the second time i've done it. Last time was a challenge, but nothing compared to this one. Yet, everything got better, much better.
I know this move will bring better things into my life, things will be much much better...

Good night

I lost my job...i'm leaving everything (part1)

2005-03-17T19:02:00.000-05:00

I haven't talked to you in a long time, that i know. I had to go to the ER on Sunday February 27th because my heart was beating very hard. I stayed there almost 24hrs for them to finally call my Endo. She knew the answer immediately, I didn't have enough steroid in the blood to fight the intestinal virus because i wasn't doubling my dose. She forbid me to go to work for another 3 days min. I was released from the hospital at 4pm, went to bed as soon as mom drove me home. I got a call at 6pm from my contracting agency, I was let go by Eaton Electrical. Something about Sheila (the manager) wanting someone who "can be there for support", yet they had nothing but good things to say about my performance. Go figure!

So this is one of those forks in the road. There's a whole bunch of pages left to this story, they're all blank. Where should the story go?

I want to feel better...soon!

2005-02-24T16:52:00.000-05:00

I didn't say anything about my "emergency" in Regina in my last post. So i thought you should know that on my last day in Regina, i was severely ill, for no known reason to date. I was rushed to the ER vomitting, with a 39.8C fever, and in adrenal crisis. They kept me for 24hrs, we had to reschedule out flight for the next day. I made it home ok, but exhausted. I went to my family doctor the next day, he believes it was a virus infection, and it did some damage to my GI trac. It's now been 3 days since i've returned, and i still haven't gone to work yet. I asked for a distance Reiki treatment the night i came home from Regina. I didn't feel anything, but my therapist told me (the next day) that i was taking the energy in very well from her end. The day after my visit to the Dr. i went to see my Reiki therapist again, this time for an in-person session. Lots of bad stuff came out of me during the 30min session. I felt my eyeballs twitch and get warm every time she'd place her hands on my stomach and abdomen areas. My breath also began to smell foul (garlicky like the medicine they were injecting in my IV) as i was exhaling out. I felt light and peaceful after the treatment, and my therapist was surprised that i mentioned the foul taste in my mouth, because she began to smell the same thing in the air!

I've been feeling overwhelmingly exhausted still, each day a little better, but still very bad. On paper all looks very well though. I'm happy to report that my liver and gallbladder are in even better shape that they were a year ago. But why this? why now?

Since i fell ill in Regina, I've been consumed with the thought of changing my life around, even more so than i have been this past year. Yes i lost 70lbs, became a vegan, left an unhealthy 5 year relationship, met a wonderful new woman, and got engaged. But i've still been working in an industry that isn't healthy for me, in positions that i don't particularly enjoy. Being a contract Helpdesk Technician in the IT industry isn't exactly the best place to be when you have a congenital adrenal condition!

I knew i wanted to work for myself, and be of service to others, teach people how they can tap into that part of them that will help them help themselves evolve towards their own higher state of consciousness. After many years of hearing people tell me that "You should be a teacher", "you'd be a great life coach", "you'd be an excellent councellour", "you're so good with your hands", "you have a gift", etc... I've been asking myself many questions like: "yeah, but teach what?" "start what kind of business?" "how can i be of service doing something that won't take too much out of me, and that i can live off of?"

For over 2 years now, i've been going through ever kind of idea imaginable. Then it finally came to me, after i was ill in Regina! Go figure....

Suddenly, i knew that everything was going to be ok, i was going to make it through just fine, and my life purpose was right there in front of me! I knew i had to become a Certified Reiki Master & Teacher in Regina. I want to bring the future of physical, emotional, and spriritual well being to a place where it's needed by opening a Healing Centre in Regina. Teaching others how to gain tools for essential health & fitness, dealing with stress in their lives, and healing themselves by using the universal life energy (holy spirit) within each one of us.

Just the thought of it instantly gives me energy, filling me with joy and passion.

Am i a little afraid? yes

Like most of us, i owe money on student loans, i owe in back taxes, don't have a credit card, and live paycheck to paycheck. Yes i'm sick and tired of having rough finances, i live way below my means compared to most believe me. Yet i still struggle and can't manage to save. i make a great hourly wage for my age, yet it doesn't seem to be enough around here.

When will i finally have that little cozy 2 bdr house (with a backyard garden, compost, finished basement for Reiki practice) whose delightfully inviting homecooked smells fill your soul with sweet content?

That's all i want, really, i don't want to be a millionaire, i know that know. My goal isn't material wealth anymore, my sense of worth doesn't depend on it, i finally know that now. The only way i feel happy is by being purposeful, and to me being of purpose is by being of service to mankind, that's the humanitarian in me i recently found.

I didn't see the whole picture 'till now, this i came to realize while writing.

It's funny, i was afraid to go on the 10 day trip to Regina yet i knew it had to be done... for a reason i had yet to find out...

Thank you everyone (you know who you are) for allowing me this wonderful experience.

You've showed me more than my eyes can see...I'm glad i went!

I've gone, I've learned, I've returned...a new person!

2005-02-21T15:51:00.000-05:00

I knew i had to conquer my fear of flying, and that i surely did!
4 flights, 3 time zones, and 4 provinces later, i have no problems with flying...

I've learned that in life, you have little steps that guide you towards the best person you can ultimately be (your evolution), and there are sudden leaps. This 9 night, 10 day trip was definately one of those leaps.

I've learned that i have a lot more (than i thought) to be thankful for. I am immensely blessed with a support system that is so wonderful that human words can't begin to describe it. A family that never judges and is always there for me, friends whom i never knew i had, shining through to help when least expected, and a life partner whose genuine love and compassion for me, makes me ask myself what i've done to deserve such a wonderful woman in my life.

It's during this trip that she showed her true strengths. My love for her grew stronger after seeing what she'd be ready to go through for me. I will always love you for that. I promise i'll do my best not to scare either of us like that again.

I've now been back home for about 3hrs. I've never missed home so much in my whole life.
I'm looking forward to moving to my first 2bdrm apt with my fiance. It will be my 1st time getting an apt with my partner instead of having them move in with me! I'm so excited...and nostalgically sad. It's a bitter sweet move, I've had some of the most powerful life altering experiences in this little jr 1bdr apt. I'll never forget it...never.

This was my 1st apt ever, it's where i loved, i cried, i lost, and where i lived when i met the most perfect woman in the world...my baby boo, allyson. i will always love you little apartment, you gave me some of the best memories in my life.

Every ending give birth to a new beginning...my old life died the last day before my trip to regina...i'm now ready to begin my new life.

The countdown to my biggest challenge begins

2005-02-09T15:23:00.000-05:00

We're now less than 48hrs away from me having to embark on not only 1 but .... 2 planes! Being above the clouds for a total of 5.5hrs!

I'm willing, ready, and able....so far

If not...there's always Gravol to knock me out!

The universe is forcing me to break free from fear

2005-02-08T15:28:00.000-05:00

I've decided to accept truth, and free myself from guilt, anger, and resentment. Now The Universal Mmind that binds all living things in all the different universes is pouring its light into me. What does it feel like you ask?

P-E-A-C-E

The most incredible feeling of release you've ever felt in your life....x100...no wait....x1000!
Like you know everything is going to be okay, you don't know how or why, but it just will. A confidence unlike anything else, pure and not egocentric. Being in "AWE" at everything you see, regardless of how ugly it might be. Like if you're looking through the eyes of a newborn all over again. Why is it that we let ourselves lose this sense of amazement? The worst part is that our own parents are major contributors to use losing this purity, and creativity. I wish everyone felt this way again. Like i've begun to...again...

Only that, this process of self evolution i embarked on last year has led me to many challenges I never thought i'd go through in my life. Let alone while still in my 20's...

With that being said...I'll be "leaving on a jet plane" and when i "come back again" i'll be a totally different woman moving in a bigger apartment with my fiance!

I'm not even 30 yet, I wonder what other great things life has in store for me?
Whatever it is...bring it on baby! I'm "movin' on up" ...

After hearing so much about them....I finally have one!

2005-02-03T14:57:00.000-05:00

That's right, after seeing practically every soul under the age of 25 writing their thoughts down in these "blogs". I thought i'd try it myself! Never in a 100 years did I ever think I'd find myself writing in a "blog" let alone create one!

But, I also never thought i'd be flying anywhere, and I'm doing that next week!

So the moral of today's story is?
Don't live your life believing that you're so damn sure of yourself, and where your life i heading. Too much control fuels fear...